Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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