the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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