my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm both gender and math confused
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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