There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
