I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Someone came in the potted fern
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
