If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
