do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
