Is it normal to miss your booty call?
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
