How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
