why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
