I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
