I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
