guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Why is your signature on my underwear?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
