Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
