I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
