Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
