She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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