I'm so fucking centered right now
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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