Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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