Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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