ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
