What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
