Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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