I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
