What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
