He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
