1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
