Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Drunk is a universal language darling
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
