I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
