I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Randomize
