I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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