if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
