In the future we'll all be gay
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Randomize
