He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
