and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
