On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
