I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
