theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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