I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Apparently you make a good broom.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I need a burrito and a hug.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
