You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
