I just saw a hot homeless man
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
