If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
