it was like his penis was on wheels.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
