I smell stomach acid.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
