Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Duck Duck Cougar?
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
