Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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