Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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