found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
