How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
