dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
